Lately, I have been reading and hearing a lot about vulnerability. It seems to be becoming quite the buzzword. Actually, that’s a lie, it has been a buzzword for quite some time.

Vulnerability is like a double-edged sword. A lot of people strongly believe that being vulnerable and showing a more emotional side to you can equate to showing weakness. However, with the likes of Brené Brown, we are starting to learn that vulnerability is powerful. If you haven’t watched her Netflix show The Call to Courage, I highly recommend it (not an ad). It’s an easy watch and she discusses the power of vulnerability in this.   

I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t show vulnerability, but I feel I express myself better when I write my blogs. Through this blog, I want to show you a more vulnerable side to me. It’s a chance for me to be real I suppose, and show you (and some of you who know me) a side of me that you may or may not have seen before. I’m pretty sure, a few of you who are reading this blog, and have come this far, may already be making judgements or forming opinions (good or bad) about this blog. But you see, the thing about vulnerability is that, you are okay with showing a different side to you, and being okay with however people will react. Let’s be real, people will always have an opinion of you.

This will take somewhat of a dark turn as I will refer to two blogs that discuss traumatic events from my past i.e. #MeToo and Bullying, It’s Not Okay. Prior to sharing these blogs, I firmly believed that if I ever came out with these stories, people would not believe me, or for that matter, think that this a cry for attention. It wasn’t. Having a traumatic childhood has meant that as an adult I have ‘closed’ myself. I have built walls around me and I automatically start shielding myself in a situation that involves new people. As much as I try not to and am taking a more active approach to doing so, I can’t help but guard myself. My mind will think of all of the most drastic situations that could happen and I quite easily back off. In a way, me sharing my past experiences was perhaps the first side of me being more vulnerable. It helped me open up, and learn that whilst yes my past has shaped certain characteristics in me, I am so much more than just that. I think one of the best things I’ve realised and am proud of is the fact that I wouldn’t ever knowingly be rude to another person, no matter how bad the situation.

When it comes to relationships, again, in my mind, I’ve already played out the entire scenario and in reality run the other way, so that I don’t have to deal with a commitment. As I approach my 30s, I’m working hard to change this, because some wise people say that no matter how much you say or think that you can get through life on your own, you need a partner/companion. No, I’m not setting women back by 100 years, but just give it a thought.

From a professional perspective, I strive to do the best I can. I’m way too harsh on myself, more than anyone else could ever be. Every Sunday I lay in bed feeling anxious about the upcoming week and what my strategy will be to get through my workload and meet my deadlines. I want perfection in my work, even if that isn’t really black or white. Yes, perfection is an overused word, and nothing to this date is perfect, I still want to present it. This quest for perfection is what drives my anxiety mainly because I feel I don’t know how to deliver it.

I have never been one to outwardly show emotion. I have on the odd occasion shown anger (as much as I’ve tried not to) but to this date, I have never cried in front of someone who isn’t my family. I don’t think any of my friends have seen me shed a tear. No, this isn’t really an achievement that I’m boasting about. Having to control showing emotions just means I keep bottling things in and there comes a time when the bottle needs to break. Either I will have a day when I lock myself in my room and cry my heart out or I will bury myself in more work and gym and anything else to keep my mind busy and drive myself to burnout.

This year, I want to take a more structured approach. Sounds weird saying the phrase structured approach when you are talking about your emotions. I’m going to continually tell myself that it is okay to show emotions. It’s okay to shed a tear. The world will not come crashing down. I will work on reminding myself that people will always have an opinion of me, but who I perceive myself to be is more important than what the other person thinks of me. I will never be perfect and that’s okay.

Until next time,

MiliG